As an adolescent I struggled with my sexuality. I first discovered the pleasure of anal play around 12-13 years old but growing up in a strict, fundamentalist christian household meant that I was deeply ashamed of this. I was deeply ashamed to masturbate, let alone when I would stick a finger or screwdriver handle up my butt.
Sometime around the turn of the century (heh heh) I discovered two extremely important things. The first is that liking butt play doesn’t make you gay and the second and more important thing was that it’s possible to be non-vanilla and be comfortable with your sexuality.
I was about 15-16 when I first saw the movie Road Trip. There is a scene when one of the characters has to go to a sperm bank to sell his sperm because they’re in a bind, or something. Not important. What’s important is that this character is obnoxiously ultra-hetero. The nurse asks him if he needs ‘help’ which he clearly thinks will be a hand job or something. They go into what seems to be an exam room and she put on gloves and tells him to drop his pants, face the exam table and place his hands on the table. She takes out some lube and says something like, “I’m going to perform a procedure called milking the prostate by manually stimulating the prostate through the rectum.” She proceeds to stick her finger up his ass (off camera) and this guy starts making these dramatic, histrionic sexual pleasure/orgasm noises and faces. (Here’s the clip)
What’s most important about this isn’t that scene itself, it’s that the character didn’t undergo some kind of identity crisis or start questioning his sexuality. He was still a straight guy, just now he was a straight guy who liked butt play. Later on in the movie, (it might have been a post-credit outtake or something) there’s a scene with this character having a sexual encounter with a girl. He’s telling her to lube up her fingers and telling her how to milk him and he says, “Use two fingers….or maybe, maybe three?” with this silly grin on his face.
This had a profound impact on me, and the fact that this is a ridiculous movie that has so many things wrong with it does not escape me. The fact remains that this was the first time I had seen a pop culture representation of a straight guy enjoying anal. I’ve since accepted (celebrated?) that I’m not straight, but at the time, given the environment I was raised in, the idea of not being straight was anathema. So this wasn’t so much about it being ok to like anal as a straight guy, it was about learning that sexual acts are not the same as sexual orientation.
The second major realization came as a result of another ridiculous movie, American Pie 2. There’s a scene in that movie where three guys are confronted by two women they believe are lesbians. The guys had been hiding in the closet watching the two ladies changed, because, well 00’s movie hijinks. The guys pop out of the closet and say they were just hoping to see some lesbian action, or something, and so the ladies (who are not in fact lesbians) decide to see how far these guys will go and what they might do in order to see that lesbian action.
They demand to see one of the guys asses, or something, again, it doesn’t really matter. And after some hemming and hawing finally one of the guys says, and this is the important part, he says, “It’s fine, I’ll do it. I’m comfortable with my sexuality.”
My mind was blown. Like, I didn’t even know that was an option. It never occurred to me that a person could be comfortable with their sexuality, let alone comfortable being anything but vanilla hetero-normative.
At 15-16 these seeds had been planted in my mind but it would still be many years before I would learn to accept my sexuality.
But what does all of this have to do with chastity? Well, this is the origin story, the genesis of my kink journey. What happened after this is that I searched the internet (on the family computer in the dining room in the middle of the night) for prostate milking. This lead to my discovery of femdom and chastity. And chastity was really what captured my attention. The idea of having something that, at the time, was central to my sexual being, nay, the entirety of my sexual identity, under the control of a powerful, dominant woman was the biggest turn on ever. Not only that, but then to have that woman penetrate me with the goal of extracting, in the most humiliating way possible, what once would have been the product of my own sexual agency, for the sole purpose of reinforcing the fact that I no longer had that agency or control, was enough to make my hands shake just about every time I read about it.
This was all hidden very deep inside me and I spent tremendous amounts of energy trying to forget about it. But I was hooked. Just when I thought I have shoved it down and screwed the lid on tight, something would remind me of those websites and I’d sneak downstairs in the middle of the night to read about it more.
The deep shame I felt about my kinkiness wouldn’t end up being fully resolved until I was around 23 or so. It was a long, hard journey. Even without the baggage of a religious upbringing I still had all the societal pressures that we all contend with when it comes to gender roles and sexuality.
I sincerely hope that through this blog I can play some small role in normalizing kink and help others to identify and accept their own kinkiness. We all deserve to enjoy a fulfilling sex life free from shame and have the liberty to explore, discover, and express our sexual beings in the ways that bring us the most pleasure.