I think most couples tend to have a ‘default’ when it comes to sex. They go through a routine, sometimes without even needing to talk about it. After being with someone for a while you can start to pick up on non-verbal cues that mean ‘hey I’m kinda horny, wanna fuck?’ Maybe it’s something like: you’re lying in bed, and she scoots over and starts to spoon you and if she senses you’re not opposed, she reaches around and starts to fondle you and one thing leads to another, and you can fill in the rest.
Even kinky people can get into routines where they know the most efficient route to take to get each other revved up and make it happen. This isn’t at all a bad thing. Enjoying routine sex is human and doesn’t make a person any less kinky. If there is a defining characteristic that sets kinky people apart from vanillas it’s the ability to discuss sex openly and honestly and negotiate scenes, sometimes incorporating new things or maybe activities that aren’t new but just not often done, like rope bondage or CBT.
For GC and I, our default went something like this: we would snuggle in bed and then she’d roll over and grab the key and say, “I’m gonna unlock you.” Then she’d lay on top of me and we’d kiss until she was starting to get turned on. Then I’d roll her on to her back and start to suck and tease her nipples until she had her first orgasm, then I’d go down on her until she had several more, then she’d say, “get up here, I want you.”
Intercourse followed by simultaneous orgasm would lead to snuggling, clean up and lock up, and going about the day/night. That was our default, the routine we knew worked every time and didn’t take negotiation or risk failure by trying something new.
Whenever we tried to have intercourse without me achieving orgasm she wouldn’t be completely satisfied. For her to ‘trigger’ a massive, finale orgasm, she had to feel me cum inside her while telling her, ‘I’m cumming.’ This lead to a conundrum: how could I get the denial I needed without her giving up what was the best part of sex to her? What tended to happen is that she wouldn’t initiate sex when she wanted to have sex, because she wanted simply ‘default’ sex and didn’t want to have to expend the energy to try new things to figure out how to make it just as good without me cumming.
So we’d go through dry spells. Every couple does, of course, but this wasn’t just the ‘meh-life-amirite’ dry spell everyone goes through, but ‘I’m not getting the sex I need and I know what I need isn’t what he wants so I’m not even going to bother’ dry spell.
This is usually where ‘super horny chastity fantasy guy’ jumps in and says ‘cuckolding would solve EVERYTHING!’ But that is not at all what we wanted or needed. Before even considering something like that you should have a firm (sexual) foundation of trust and communication which we’re still building. The most successful cuckold relationships start from a point of both parties feeling happy and content with their sex life, but eager to make things even better and more fulfilling. Bringing another into the picture if the couple is unhappy or unfulfilled is asking for disaster.
I suggested trying a cock-sheath which we did once and it was totally mind-blowing for her physically, but still, she said it didn’t give her the emotional connection she needed. I suggested trying a strap-on here and there but she was just meh about that, though when I did use the strap-on the few times she was into it, it was earth-shattering.
We both work very stressful jobs with long hours, and feeling stressed and tired is to feeling sexy what kryptonite is to Super Man. We were having sex every 3-4 weeks and it was always default sex because neither of us had the energy or willpower for anything else. I remained locked 24/7 unless we were having sex, but we weren’t really incorporating denial into the relationship, it was just basically body jewelry.
A few months back I brought up the strap-on again and told GC ‘What do we have to lose? Our sex life is already pretty stale.’ I said that if using the strap-on meant we would have sex more than once a month, we’d be winning. I asked her if we could keep our ‘default’ the same, not change the routine at all, just use a rubber penis instead of mine. Just to see how things went.
She was game, so that’s what our default has become. Sex has never been better. She has more orgasms and more intense orgasms than I could possibly ever give her with my penis. And that’s saying a lot.
I’ll talk more about using the strap-on for sex and what that means for the future of our sex life in my next post. Stay tuned!