I had something of an epiphany several months ago: I need to have no right to privacy.
I’ve been seeing a sexologist for almost two years. My personal growth has been exponential in that time but perhaps more importantly my self-awareness has also greatly increased. I now recognize that I have a tendency to isolate; I always have. The paradox is that I also crave intimacy and emotional scrutiny. One of the things I want from a D/s relationship is for GC to pull me from my isolation even when it’s not something I want or if it might agitate me. I need to feel vulnerable, bare, seen. I need the intimacy that creates but that intimacy is not easy to sustain.
I don’t lock myself in the bedroom or spend huge amounts of time out of the house for no reason like take three hours to pick up a loaf of bread at the grocery store. My isolation tendency is more emotional and psychological than physical so it manifests itself mostly in my mind. I think what mostly happens is that GC can perceive that I’m giving off a ‘I want to watch TV and nothing else’ vibe (for instance) so she doesn’t try and reach out to bridge that gap and pull me from my mental hideaway.
The longer I go in my hideaway the more comfortable it is and the more I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to open myself up emotionally because that’s hard and it’s just so much easier to stay isolated. But what I truly need is for GC to be the dominant and ‘force’ me from my hiding place. This goes back to the phrase ‘he wants x but he needs y.’
So back to my epiphany. What I realized is that one of the few physical manifestations of my emotional isolation is hiding my body. When I feel isolated I don’t want GC to see me naked. I’ll get annoyed if she’s in the bathroom while I dry off after a shower or if she watches me while I get dressed because she’s intruding on my hideaway.
During my session with my sexologist it hit me that what I really need is to not have the right to privacy.
When GC and I get to the point where we feel really close and intimate we’ll revel in the moment, we’ll celebrate our love and desire for each other. But as any couple knows these moments fade into the drudgery of real life. The trick isn’t agonizing over how to make those sparks last but know and accept that they will fade and learn how to recognize when it does. GC and I know this but we also understand ourselves well enough to know that the longer we go without that spark, the harder it is to get it back.
For me the spark isn’t possible while I’m isolated and I find it almost impossible to break out. Privacy slowly slides down to isolation and isolation is the assassin of intimacy for me. When I realized this I was so happy that I finally had a tool that I could give to GC that I knew for sure would work and wouldn’t require such herculean effort from her to drag us back to being intimate.
I explained to her that what I truly need is for her not to allow me the right to privacy. I need her to recognize when I start to slide in that direction and gently nudge me back. The wonderful part is that when I feel seen and vulnerable it’s so much easier for me to help GC in the ways she needs, so by helping me she is also helping herself. And on top of knowing all this abstract stuff I finally had some actual things I knew for a fact would work that she could do and wouldn’t take much effort on her part.
I explained to GC that what I need from her is to recognize when I’m starting to isolate and do things to purposely make me feel exposed. Things like ogle while I dry off after a shower, tell me that I’m not allowed to wear clothes for the evening, randomly ‘inspect’ me and touch me, and even unsexy things like watch me while I pee and take my phone from me and look at my browser history.
She was overjoyed. She absolutely loves making me feel vulnerable and she was thrilled to finally know that there were ways that she could do that and they would always work. She said, “I love making you squirm by watching you pee. Well, it’s not really about the peeing, I don’t care about that, I just love making you squirm in general.” I told her the bottom line was that I needed her to feel empowered and entitled to my whole being and especially my body and do things to exercise that entitlement.
I need her to strip me of my privacy.