I’ve known I was kinky for a long time and have been in several vanilla relationships which didn’t work out. I wasn’t fully invested in the relationships so it’s no mystery why they ended, I just didn’t feel comfortable sharing my kinks with my partner.
I had been single for a long time and was getting close to desperate to find someone to be with but I had committed myself to not starting a relationship unless I knew I would be able to bring that person in on my kinks. That meant that I had to wait to find someone that, at a minimum, I was reasonably sure would be ‘adventurous’ sexually. What I was really looking for was someone that might be sexually dominant, if not already, then someone who ‘fit the type’ and might become sexually dominant.
I went to college at 24 after I left the Army so it was difficult to meet people, especially women. I was very intimidating to younger women, though I found out later that many of them desperately wanted to fuck me. Sigh, I’ve never been good at picking up signals. Anyway, I met my wife by joining one of the student organizations. She was the leader of the org so I thought she might hold promise as a dominant, and I was really attracted to her in general.
We ended up getting to know each other fairly well. I found out that she was a virgin but she was very open about talking about sex and sexuality. There had also been moments when I dropped little hints here and there when we were with the group about BDSM just to gauge her reaction. I couldn’t quite tell if she was interested but she didn’t seem grossed out or uninterested.
I thought that I didn’t have anything to lose. I should ask her out, and if she said yes than I should ask her about chastity as soon as possible before I got too invested in the relationship to fear breaking up over it. So that’s exactly what I did. When I first asked her out she said no because she just didn’t feel like she had the focus or energy for a relationship and her studies. I totally understood but figured if I hung around for a while that might change.
Eventually it did. One night after hanging out I walked her back to her apartment. We stood outside talking for a few minutes and I could tell things had changed, I could just feel that she wanted more. I finally blurted out, “I really want to kiss you right now.” She blushed and said, “That’s probably a bad idea…but I’m going to anyway,” and she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me.
So we started dating and for the first few weeks didn’t have sex, I just went down on her. She always tried to reciprocate but I wouldn’t let her, I kinda had it in the back of my head that I wanted her to get used to receiving pleasure without feeling obligated to return the favor. After a few weeks of that, we had sex for the first time and she was hooked.
She turned into a little nympho, wanting to have sex all the time. I couldn’t decide what kink to tell her about first. Chastity was the most niche fetish I had but I decided that if she didn’t shut me down about that, then nothing else would probably freak her out.
I couldn’t bear the thought of breaking up, but even more than that I couldn’t bear the thought of being in a vanilla relationship. One weekend we spent the whole time at my place. One night I decided that we should have some drinks since I needed a little liquid courage and I thought it wouldn’t hurt for her to be a little tipsy, too. I didn’t get drunk, really, and I knew that she knew that I had something on my mind.
Finally, with my heart racing, I said, I have something to show you. I went to my bedroom and grabbed my CB6000s. I went back to the kitchen and handed it to her. She looked at it, puzzled, and said, ‘What it this?’ I told her it was a sex toy and her face lit up. She said, ‘Oh! Cool!’ and then with a confused face, ‘ I don’t understand, what does it do?’ and then with a look of realization as she noticed the shape, ‘Oh it has something to do with your dick!’ She seemed really excited but I was still a nervous wreck.
She handed it back to me and said, ‘Show me how it works.’ I pulled down my pants and proceeded to put the device on, clicking the lock shut and handing her the key, which she took. But I could tell she was a little confused again as she was looking at it and said, ‘Wait, you said it was a sex toy, but I don’t understand, how do you have sex?’
I explained how it worked and how it was actually for denial. She didn’t seem as excited but she was still extremely interested. I confessed that I was really nervous to tell her about it and she proclaimed that I shouldn’t have been, that she was really curious about all this sex stuff and willing to see or hear anything I threw at her. She promised to listen and try to understand even if it might not be something that turned her on.
That was more than 4 years ago. It still took several years before I had shared all my kinks with her, and even longer for us to truly embrace chastity as a lifestyle. But through it all she has kept true to her word and never shunned me or shut down a conversation about sex or kink.
I know there are many people who are in a vanilla relationship and just aren’t sure how to share their kinky side with their partner. My only advice is to start talking about sex in general. Try to have open and honest conversations about the kind of sex you do have, what works or doesn’t work, what could be better, what you want more of. If you can start communicating about sex then you will have a solid foundation with which to build from.
The question you need to answer for yourself is this: Will it be more painful to start a conversation about kink and face the possibility of being reproached, or more painful to be vanilla for the rest of your life?