Date night was an EPIC success and no one even got spanked.
I feel like I need some kind of maintenance to keep me in the headspace of being open, receptive, vulnerable. I can hold on to the feeling for a day or so but eventually it fades and I become a little withdrawn or inaccessible. I know I need to work on this and I know I need GC’s help.
GC and I cuddled in bed Monday after she got home from work. I struggled with how to bring up my recent thoughts/feelings about submission, or even if I wanted to bring it up at all. I was reluctant but I knew it was something I needed to talk about so I tentatively brought up how I felt like I needed more of a D/s dynamic on a consistent basis.
It was really tough to come up with the words. I spent a lot of time talking myself in circles before finally getting to my point, mostly because I was thinking out loud and hadn’t really fully formed my thoughts. But that’s how I do – I’ll spend 5 minutes trying to describe a thought/feeling/concept and then finally say something like, “So I guess what I really mean is X.” Then I’ll continue onto the next thing that pops in my mind and do the same thing. By now, GC understands how my thought process works and patiently works with me.
GC really gets turned on by the idea of spanking me. I wanted to talk about spanking in a more disciplinarian sense not spanking as foreplay. She understood where I was coming from and we talked about some scenarios to help her visualize what I mean but she couldn’t help herself. She just got really worked up and eventually I did a little too. Our conversation started to taper off and she said, “Ok, well now what?” So I suggested she could unlock me and we could have sex.
She leaped out of the bed to get the key and said, “Ok!” It was amazing sex. I really worked at getting all the right spots in all the right ways and she came over and over again. Once we were finished we cleaned up and went back to cuddling. Now that we had that out of our system we were able to discuss the spanking a little more.
One of my struggles is that we don’t want a FLR. So, then in what ways do I
want to need to submit? Obviously there’s the sexual submission of being locked in a chastity device and her having total control over my sexual being. But I feel like I need something more, something more constant or consistent. I don’t know for sure what that is but I think discipline in the form of spanking is it.
Not that I necessarily do things that warrant discipline. A few weeks ago, at my request, GC came up with a few rules for me to follow. I thought that maybe if I had some rules from her then I would have something to latch onto to keep me in that headspace. But GC pointed out that I haven’t broken any of the rules yet so there was no reason to discipline me. We talked about it and it doesn’t seem like ‘rules of action’ are the way to go.
I have a feeling that what I need are ‘rules of attitude.’ We talked about some of the times I feel like I’m not being my best self but for some reason I have this hurdle between how I am acting and how I wish I could act.
For instance, this weekend we were watching football and I got up to grab a snack. (GC already had hers) Just as I was about to sit back down GC said, “Oh! Before you sit down could you fill my water bottle please?” The tap water where we live is awful so we have those 5 gallon jugs of spring water delivered and have one of those dispensers like you would have in an office, just with only room temp not hot and cold. And GC’s recliner is about 28 inches from it. So I was really annoyed, like, seriously? It’s right there!
But I did and while the bottle was filling I thought to myself, “Why can’t I take this situation and use it as an act of submission? What’s keeping me from getting into that headspace?” I honestly don’t know and I don’t like it. I wish I could. So situations like that are when I feel like GC could give me a spanking to help me get into alignment with the headspace I need to be in.
We talked for about 45 minutes after having sex and slowly but surely GC was getting all hot and bothered again. Which was a turn on for me, too. She started kissing me and I decided to go down on her and after several orgasms I climbed back up and continued kissing her while I slipped inside her. We fucked, slow and steady. It was great. GC is one of the lucky few who can orgasm at the drop of a hat, and do it over and over again. It’s like she has the everlasting gobstopper of orgasms. So as she was on her…I don’t know..20th? orgasm I told her I was going to come and that always pushes her over the edge. She had a bone-crushing, earth-shattering, neighbor-waking orgasm as I held onto her tightly to make sure we stayed on the bed.
So, yeah. Definitely a success. Unfortunately GC will be going away this weekend so we won’t be able to work on this for a while. But the stage is set and I anticipate great things are to come.